Following a three week search to find a new announcer, the Cubs have tapped former Rockford River Hawks employee Andrew Belleson to take over duties at Wrigley this year. In an odd twist that some would describe as a “Cubbie occurrence,” Belleson was declared the winner after a previous finalist dropped out once he found out the salary is $5,000 a year.

“I’m shocked and excited,” Belleson said at a press conference. “I can’t believe I’m going to live out my dream of hanging out at Wrigley all day while making almost no money. The great part about it is the Cubs have such a weird schedule that I won’t even be able to have another job. Government subsidies here I come!”

Strangely enough, after the announcement the only person available for comment was former Cubs skipper Lee Elia. He told reporters, “See what I told ya, the mother f***ers don’t even work!”

By Rob Winn