Cubs third baseman and avid cockfighting proponent Aramis Ramirez has convinced the team to install a ring outside Hohokam this spring.

“We will split the profits 60/40,” said Ramirez. “They are always talking about new revenue streams, and nothing brings in the pesos – or the dollars – like a good cockfight. It will also give me something to do when the rest of the team is doing cardio.”

Ramirez has already got 15-20 roosters in mind to import from the Dominican, where his stable of vicious cocks has ruled the last three seasons.

“There’s Little Rammy, Carlos, Carlos 2, and of course Senor Lou, who I will bring out of retirement for his premiere in the states,” said Ramirez. “I really think the kids are going to love it!”

The Cubs were initially cold to the idea of associating their team with a sport notorious for animal cruelty and corruption, but they were lured in by the promise of money and a new work ethic from their third baseman.

“He told us if we want to see him work harder than he’s ever worked before, we should add the ring to the parking lot,” said owner Tom Ricketts. “Frankly, I’m interested to see Aramis expend 100%, even if it’s not on the field.”

Fans are encouraged to bring extra cash and a stick to kill underperforming roosters.

By George Ellis. Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Heckler George