In an effort to “mix things up” at Wrigley Field this year, Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is proposing to move the famed Seventh-Inning Stretch to the third inning.

“Our research has shown that due to our complete lack of offense the past few seasons, most fans are already bored with the game by the third inning,” said Ricketts. “This will give those fans an opportunity to stretch early.”

Ricketts argued that it will make it easier for fed-up fans to leave the ballpark earlier. It’s all just part of his plan to keep Wrigley Field the fan-friendly experience that it always has been.

Although he wants to move it to the third inning, Ricketts said he still plans on calling it the Seventh-Inning Stretch.

“It’s been called the Seventh-Inning Stretch for generations,” said Ricketts. “It would be like creating a new name for Coca-Cola or McDonald’s. Changing the name now would just be plain stupid.”

Michael Kloempken