For most ballplayers, the first piece of business they must perform after being signed by a new team is passing a physical to prove they are fit to play. For Adam Dunn, it was being fitted with an electric shock collar that will be used to prevent him from playing first base this season for the White Sox.

Dunn made no secret of his disinterest in being acquired solely as a designated hitter. Unfortunately for him, the White Sox pitching staff relies on ground ball outs and are worried about him running onto the field in order to play defense.

To keep him away from first base, the Sox have installed an underground electric fence around the diamond at U.S. Cellular Field. Anytime Dunn walks near first base when the Sox take the field, the collar will go off, sending the 100 volts necessary to subdue the giant Dunn, pulsating throughout his body.

The White Sox plan on issuing a warning on tickets and before each game telecast explaining that viewers might be witness to Dunn convulsing uncontrollably in the dugout. Still, many people wonder if this will result in an injury to their prized free agent.

“He was nearly killed the first time he tried it on,” explained an unconcerned Kenny Williams. “And I think if dogs can learn not to cross the fence, so can Adam Dunn.”

By Michael Kloempken | Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Michael Kloempken