After guiding the Blackhawks to their first Stanley Cup in more than 45 years, Joel Quenneville and his mustache have been the toast of the town. Accolades wherever he goes, free meals at all of Chicago’s finest restaurants, and free mustache trimmings at his local barbershop are just a couple of the perks he’s enjoyed since he and his team brought home the cup. Now Quenneville has been warned that he’s got someone gunning for him.

“THERE’S A NEW ‘COACH Q’ IN TOWN,” tweeted Quade, trying to intimidate with his use of all capital letters. “AND WHEN I’M FINISHED, NOBODY WILL REMEMBER YOU OR YOUR MUSTACHE!”

Mike Quade remained diplomatic in his opening press conference after the Cubs signed him to coach the team for the next two seasons. But now that Spring Training draws near, Quade wants the world to know he has his game face on.

In an effort to steal some of Quenneville’s mojo, he’s donning a fake mustache that’s even bigger and bushier than the one the Blackhawks coach proudly shows off around town. He’s also taken up the habit of smoking two packs of Marlboro Reds every day to make his naturally smooth sounding voice sound more gravelly.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I first saw him,” said Ryan Dempster, after he and Quade had dinner at one of Quenneville’s favorite restaurants. “I immediately went home and started working on my change-up.”

“I’m sick of hearing about ‘Coach Q this and Coach Q that,’” said Quade. “There’s only room for one Q in the alphabet, and that goes the same for coaches in Chicago whose last names begin with Q, too!”

Michael Kloempken