Vikings head coach Brad Childress awoke to find his front yard covered with toilet paper this morning, marking the 1,000th time the 54-year-old has been targeted by vandals. The incidents date back to when he was a young boy growing up in Aurora, Ill.
“I think the first time I remember his house being TP’d was in third grade,” said childhood neighbor Kevin Duharsky. “Brad was always tattling on his friends, but when he told on a fifth-grader for chewing gum in the halls, that’s when he went too far.”
The problem continued throughout Childress’ youth, as his home faced a constant barrage of toilet paper during junior high and high school thanks to the cocky adolescent’s bad attitude and generally moronic behavior.
“There was the time he fumbled away a victory at state, the time he tried to ask out the head cheerleader, and of course the time he was manager of the basketball team and told the coach his star player was smoking pot,” said Duharsky. “You name a way to get your house TP’d, and Brad did it.”
Since Childress was named head coach of the Vikings, his home has been hit a record 241 times, including 9 out of the last 10 nights, a trend most likely attributed to his horrible play-calling and rash decision to waive star receiver Randy Moss.
“I thought becoming a head coach would finally put this all behind me,” said Childress, using a rake to remove a roll of Charmin from an oak tree. “But the toilet paperings actually became more frequent, and are now accompanied by flaming bags of poop on my doorstep.”