Eight days after the Cubs were mathematically eliminated from the 2010 post-season, they snatched defeat from the jaws of mediocrity as they officially made the 2010 season a losing one with their 82nd loss, 1-0 to the Giants. A confidential source deep within the Cubs organization reveals, however, that this is all in fitting with the Ricketts family’s grand plan and their nostalgia for the 1980s Cubs.
Local media and fans alike had assumed that the Ricketts’ misty-eyed invocation of the ’80s referred to the ’84 and ’89 NL East Division championship years, but apparently not.
Our source, who wished to be identified only as “Davey Rosello,” says “Ricketts’ real nostalgia is for the ’83 Cubs, not the ’84 guys. Bleacher seats were available only the day of the game. Tip the beer vendor—there were beer vendors in the bleachers back then, it was paradise—a couple bucks and he’d return every inning. Hell, tip him a ten-spot and he’d sit with ya. Did you know Sandberg had 13 errors in ’83? Man, those were the days. No pressure. Just sunshine and Old Style and Lee Elia losing his shit.”
This embrace of Loserhood was indicated in part by secret plans to change the design of the Cubs ad slogan for the year, It’s a Way of Life, eliminating the white W win flag in “Way” and inserting the blue Loss flag into “Life.”
In related news, the team will test playing Steve Goodman’s “The Dying Cub Fan’s Last Request” after losses, to balance “Go Cubs Go” after wins. The next statue the team plans to erect will be on the West Side of Wrigley, and will be an animatronic third-base coach Don “the Gerbil” Zimmer waving a lead-footed Keith Moreland around third to a certain 9-2 out at the plate. Finally, there are also plans for a series of plaques honoring players the team traded for or signed as free agents after their best playing days were over, starting with 1983’s no-range, rag-arm left side of the infield, Ron Cey and Larry Bowa.
In unrelated news, the White Sox loss at Oakland, combined with the Twins’ victory over the Indians officially eliminated the South Siders from post-season contention. Sox fans mourned from 119th and Western to 26th and California. Plans for a Defeat Parade remain on hold pending approval from the Ligue family’s parole officer.
By Bill Savage. Image by Marley Bellwood