It’s been a rough summer in Wrigleyville. The Cubs have played awful baseball and residents are ticked off, but things are about to get worse this weekend when the Dave Matthews Band plays two shows at Wrigley. The band’s fans are known as some of the more annoying stereotypes around: stoners and frat boys.

“People say Cubs fans are annoying, but they’re pretty much just frat boys and their shallow, obnoxious girlfriends,” said Lakeview resident Edith Stein. “But when you add to the mix the additional potheads that follow Dave Matthews around, it gets pretty ugly.”

Wrigleyvillians are also sure to be annoyed by the inevitable corporate sponsors that are sure to follow Dave Matthews’ upwardly mobile fan base.

“Pretty sure I already saw an airplane pulling a huge Crate and Barrel fly over Wrigley,” said Stein. “We just got rid of that god-awful noodle. Now we’re up against another weekend of soulless corporate drivel?”

Stein said she and other residents look forward to the six-month span beginning in October when their neighborhood goes back to being the kind of quiet, boring area they prefer, not the crowded boisterous one they hate and complain about constantly even though they knew how it would be when they moved there.

By Heckler Staff