During the first two games of the crosstown rivalry this season, the Sox and Cubs battled two hard-fought games. But beneath the Friendly Confines another battle was taking place.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who has made a habit of complaining about the facilities for visiting clubs at Wrigley, found himself battling rodents of unusual size during the sixth inning of Thursday’s game 2.

Guillen reportedly left the dugout after Gavin Floyd retired the Cubs in order in the bottom of the 5th inning to use the bathroom. Pitching coach Don Cooper recalls Ozzie saying “I got to take a piss. If I not back in 40 minutes, call exterminator and send an ambulance.”

Twenty-four minutes later, Guillen returned to the dugout, bleeding from his shoulder and sporting mysterious second degree burns on his legs and back. During the postgame press conference, a reporter asked the Sox manager how he had come to sustain such injuries. Guillen launched into a rousing but indecipherable tale of his battle with rodents of unusual size beneath Wrigley Field.

“At first it was like, haha, they got some rats down there you know?” said Guillen. “To play a joke on me like cuz I’m always talking about the giant rats. But then it started getting a litle weird, [expletive deleted] rats everywhere, following me around, hissing and clawing. I tried to get away but they’re some fast [expletive deleted] for their size. Maybe we could get some to pinch run for us … ”

Guillen then explained that he was able to fend off the rodents of unusual size with a splintered warmup bat and a medeival mace that he’d found in A.J. Pierzynski’s locker.

“Those were some tough rats, I’lll give em credit for that,” said Guillen. “They fought a tough battle. Luckily I found a huge [expletive deleted] mace in AJ’s locker or else I would no be here right now. I thought it was over, but then there were these [expletive deleted] shooting flames coming out of the ground. They really need to get this place looked at.”

By Tim Weaver