On the eve of the Cubs-Sox series at Wrigley, the New York Times reported that former North side and South side slugger Sammy Sosa was one of the 104 major league players to test positive for steroids in 2003. Zero percent of anyone across the nation were surprised by the news.

“No [deleted expletive]!” said White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen before Tuesday’s cross-town tilt. “That [deleted expletive] guy would come to Spring Training every year, looking like he swelled up from a thousand bee stings and then he say he taking some [deleted expletive] Flinstones vitamins. What a crock of [deleted expletive]!”

For the first time on record, nearly everyone with any knowledge of baseball, agreed with Guillen’s assessment, with one exception, Sosa’s former manager Dusty Baker.

“This is all a witch hunt,” said Baker, currently skipper of the Cincinnati Reds. “I saw guys like Sammy and Barry Bonds every day during the prime of their careers, and they were clean as a baby’s bottom. I chalk up their success to good nutrition and a lot of arm curls.”

When reached at his home in the Dominican Republic, Sosa was unable to comment on the report in English or his native Spanish, which he claimed he had forgotten how to speak.

By Jeremy Barewin