It took the Bears all of two hours into free agency to proudly announce their big off-season acquisition. On Friday, unknown offensive lineman and pencil-pusher Frank Omiyale signed a lucrative four year deal with the team in the mail room at Halas Hall.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed. However, the 6-foot, 4-inch, 310-pounder was spotted leaving the facility with cases of ink toner and a handful of coupons for free subs at Quiznos.

“Frank adds tremendous value and versatility to our organization,” said Bears president and CEO Ted Phillips. “It will sure be nice to have a guy that can pick up my morning Starbucks and still return in time for two-a-days.”

While the budget plan was clearly in play, the team had admittedly been scouting Omiyale since the 2005 draft.

“Not only has he started in at least one NFL game over his four-year career, but he also knows how to make two-sided copies on┬áthe Halas Hall printer,” said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. “My only regret is not having signed him sooner.”

For his part, Omiyale promised to get to work immediately.

“Yes, the offensive line last year was pitiful at times, so I hope to help out there,” said Omiyale, who then looked around the room where he signed his contract. “And on the administrative assistant side, I’m going to clean up this mail room right away. It’s a mess.”

heckler editorial staff