In an effort to outshine media hype surrounding the NHL Winter Classic on the North Side, White Sox officials proudly announced U.S. Cellular Field will host this year’s Winter Classic Demolition Derby.

The Cell was awarded this privilege by the International Demolition Derby Association, which has held the event at venues such as the Illinois State Fair and the Chicagoland Speedway.

“We wanted to generate a renewed interest in Chicago sports, just like the hockey game at Wrigley Field did,” said Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf. “But we settled for something our fans would truly enjoy. Few things appeal more to our fanbase than a good old-fashioned demolition derby.”

The Demolition Derby will feature Mark Buehrle smashing his monster truck into cars from Bridgeport, which will be towed to the stadium by CDOT if they have been booted more than twice in the past year, under Mayor Daley’s “Snow Tolerance” Parking Policy.

“Typical South Side, trying to mimic our North Side trends,” said a suburban tourist snapping pictures on the corner of Clark and Addison. “It figures that the best upgrade they could do was something low-brow.”

To South Siders, however, the event is considered the biggest thing to hit the Cell since trainer Herm Schneider.

“Well, I think the Derby will do good things for the Sox’s popularity this season,” said White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. “And who the [expletive deleted] watches hockey anyway?”

heckler editorial staff