Recently the Chicago Tribune published the three finalists in the bidding for the Cubs, who are expected to fetch about $700 million on the open market. Fan favorite Mark Cuban was not among them and the others are not well-known publicly. Here is a breakdown of each bidder and what their potential ownership by any means to Cubs fans.

Tom Ricketts
His daddy founded Ameritrade, which has enabled an entire generation of people who hate leaving their homes or dressing in anything other than sweatpants to completely screw up the stock market by buying and selling in large volumes with absolutely no insight or common sense behind their decisions.

Ricketts met his wife at a Cubs game in 1999, just like you try to do every time you hit on a drunk bleacher bunny. The only difference was that Ricketts was successful in his quest, probably because he was in a luxury suite with his name on it and had approximately $15,000 in cash in his pocket at the time. Having a driver wait outside Wrigley in Ricketts’ Bentley helped seal the deal.

Little known fact: The bone-softening disease rickets is named after his family. Shockingly, no Cubs have ever spent time on the DL with rickets. The closest was Gene DeMontreville who missed 51 games in 1899 with a nasty case of leprosy.

What Ricketts’ ownership would mean for Cubs fans: Nothing good.

Marc Utay
Was born in Glenview with such a priviledged upbringing that the ’80s sitcom “Silver Spoons” was modeled after his life. Everything from the cool train in the living room to arcade games throughout the house was exactly like Utay’s upbringing. The only difference between Utay’s childhood and that of Rick Schroder’s character was that Utay wasn’t nearly as dreamy as Schroder. In fact, he was so unsightly growing up that classmates secretly called him “Uglay” behind his back.

Little known fact: Often has his goons kidnap homeless people and have them fight in his living room just for fun. Also bought the Mona Lisa so he could draw a mustache on it.

What Utay’s ownership would mean for Cubs fans: He’s a bad, bad man. Doesn’t like it when people stand in his shadow or look him directly in the eye. On the plus side, he’s pledged to tourture players who don’t play well, which might be exactly what the Cubs need to finally get over the hump.

Hersch Klaff
Why Klaff — a native of baseball-lacking South Africa — wants to buy the Cubs is beyond anyone’s best guess. It’s probably because he lives in Glencoe, which is 98 percent Cubs fans and reportedly hates his neighbors and wants to further drive the Cubs into the ground out of pure spite.

Made his fortune buying distressed properties, rehabbing them and selling them for top dollar. With any luck Wrigley will have gold-plated bathroom fixtures in no time. At the very least, the troughs in the men’s rooms will probably get replaced with something more classy, like Porta Johns.

What Klaff’s ownership would mean for Cubs fans: Nothing new. Given that he’s got limited baseball knowledge and certainly knows nothing about what it takes to run a baseball team, there would probably be little difference between a Klaff-owned team and what Cubs fans currently have.

heckler editorial staff