The National Mental Health Society today commended the three-year, $30 million contract the Cubs offered certifiably insane Milton Bradley, calling it a “great day for whack jobs everywhere.”

“Milton Bradley has demonstrated mental instability at every turn,” said NMHS director Phillip Stanley. “But despite this, the Cubs committed $30 million to him. It’s unbelievable, really.”

Bradley has most recently played DH for the Rangers, but will now patrol right field at Wrigley Field, a place not known for displaying kindness toward players from either team. When asked how he will react to the crude behavior Wrigley’s bleacher bums are known for, Bradley promised he wouldn’t turn the other cheek like former Cubs RF Jacque Jones did a couple seasons ago.

“Oh, I won’t just go away quietly like Jacque did,” said Bradley. “Oh, I’ll go up in the [expletive deleted] stands and rough some mother [expletive deleted] up.”

Just a week after Cubs GM Jim Hendry traded the personable and talented Mark DeRosa to the Indians for three minor league pitchers, he was defensive

“Not since Sammy Sosa have we had a potentially destructive presence on our locker room,” said Hendry. “And let’s face it. We’ve gotten soft. Milton is the kind of guy who will liven things up and keep us tough. We need that.”

Calling him “baseball’s version of Ron Artest,” Stanley contemplated what Bradley’s life would be like had he not been blessed with extraordinary athletic talent.

“You’d like to think Milton would lead a successful life outside of baseball,” said Stanley. “But the truth is, his hellish temper would probably cause him to bounce from job to job, with numerous jail stints in between.”

heckler editorial staff