I’m sick of it becoming a media event every time I talk about what I’ve bet on. So let’s get it all out of the way. While managing the Reds, I bet on baseball, junior high softball games, cock fights, who shot JR, two-week old Chinese food, the Oscars, high school elections, hobo fights, where Marge Schott’s dog would deuce next, players’ STD test results and the drinking games at local fraternities. Actually, the only thing I won’t bet on is the stock market. My bookie offers the only retirement plan I need. Let’s gamble!

97 — Percent of Cubs fans who pay $100 for a bleacher seat this year after swearing they’d never pay that much again last year.

97 — Percent of White Sox fans who pay $10 for a bleacher seat this year after swearing they’d never pay that much again last year.

May 28 — Day White Sox players realize Ozzie Guillen’s off-season sensitivity training was not effective.

45 — Percent chance Jason Marquis has the highest batting average of any left-handed Cubs hitter at the end of the season

$850 — Winning E-bay bid for the first base Lou Piniella throws as Cubs manager.

8 — Percent chance the Wrigley bleachers girl you just bought four Mai Tais for actually is interested in you.

heckler editorial staff