I suppose I’d be remiss if I neglected to offer my thought on THE BIG NEWS, the development that no Chicago media outlet can avoid–the impending sale of the Chicago Cubs.

As an avid Cubs-loather, I have asked myself: who would want to purchase such a pathetic company? (I mean, they were the worst team last year in an absolutely awful National League.) But the answer I’ve come up with is–I do.

I’d like to purchase the Cubs.

For one, my wife is a rabid Cubs fan, and I’d probably be able to atone for at least half of all prior misbehaviors by presenting her with the keys to the Cubs kingdom on her next birthday. But more importantly, I couldn’t help but make money off this investment. I can put any nine buffoons out on the field for 162 games, and three-million-plus poor saps will be falling all over themselves to fork over 50, 75 or 100 dollars for the privilege of paying $7 for an Old Style and sitting in the no-cost-to-me sun.

Those reading this who consider themselves “real” fans of the Chicago National League ballclub likely take offense at my assertion. I will grant you that my unapologetically trotting a AA team out there will likely cause me to lose many of you as loyal supporters. But in your place will flow an endless supply of tourists, beer-swillers, sun worshippers, bachelor party attendees and father-son outings.

The only people who will suffer financially under my regime are the ticket scalpers, and as far as I’m concerned, those parasites can all starve. Or go start scalping Arena football tickets.

Now all I need is a $700 million loan. Any takers? C’mon—you know I’m good for it.

heckler editorial staff