Exclusive access to Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson’s diary.

Dear Diary: Since I was admitted into the jail March 16, I’ve had a hard time adjusting to my new lifestyle. I’m trapped in a cell smaller than my locker at Halas Hall. There is only my bed, a small sink, a mirror and a toilet. The worst part is that they make me shower every day, which is something I’ve never done.

Excuse me if I come of as a little ticked-off. I’m still upset ’cause the jail’s TV night was ruined when Peyton Manning was host of Saturday Night Live.

I haven’t been able to get any sleep and have been tossing and turning every night. Now I know what the Saints’ Drew Brees must’ve been feeling the night before he faced us in the NFC Championship Game. I’m not used to sleeping in such a small bed. My blanket is rough as hell and doesn’t keep me warm. Sometimes when I close my eyes at night it feels like I’m sleeping underneath the frozen turf at Lambeau in December.

While in the yard, I’ve gotten to know a couple dudes, Smash and Cedric, who have both been busted on firearms charges. They mostly want to talk about football. I just want to talk about guns.

I’ve grown close to one of the guards. He’s been sneaking me in some pudding from the kitchen in exchange for autographs for his friends. I’m still always hungry though.

I saw on the Internet that Alfonso Boone left for Kansas City. That’s too bad, I’m gonna miss that guy. Never even got to say goodbye. I’ll never forget that time ‘Fonz and I took down Brad Johnson together up in Minnesota.

I saw on the Internet that I got a new partner in crime. Jerry Angelo signed defensive tackle Anthony Adams to a four-year deal. I wonder what Briggs thinks about a new guy getting all the paper when he’s not getting his.

Well it’s 9 P.M. now which means lights out here in cell block D. Tomorrow is chicken dumplings day, so I’ve got that to look forward to. Other than that it’s going to be business as usual for ol’ Tank.

heckler editorial staff