Kerry Wood and Mark Prior have only been useful to the Cubs in recent years. This season will be different, the team insists. The Cubs intend to get new value out of the fragile tandem by relegating them to clean-up duties in Wrigley Field’s famed bleachers this season.

“I often see Kerry and Mark just sitting around playing cards when they could be doing something more valuable for the organization,” Cubs director of stadium operations Peter Richardson said. “We need all the help we can get clearing out the newly expanded Bud Light Bleachers after home games, so I suggested we incorporate the guys on the DL to lend a hand, you know, pitch in, so to speak.”

Despite being elated at the prospect of finally getting a return on their multi-million dollar investments in their once promising young slingers, the Cubs will proceed with caution while readying Wood and Prior for their new roles.

“We’re going to carefully teach Mark and Kerry proper broom mechanics,” said Cubs trainer Mark O’Neal. “Otherwise it won’t be long before either of them strain something from sweeping empty plastic beer cups.”

heckler editorial staff