The Cubs announced the successful completion of the team’s first annual “Spring Fantasy Camp” held concurrently during the first week of spring training games. Clients such as Micah Hoffpauir, Tyler Colvin and Casey McGehee paid $7,000 for the privilege of doing sit ups and wind sprints with Cubs stars like Derrek Lee and Alfonso Soriano.

“There were 18 clients,” said Cubs interim president John McDonough, the mastermind of the event. McDonough holds a bachelor’s degree in communications and is the founder of the Cubs Convention. He also created Wrigley’s Father and Son $300 Catch in the Outfield Grass, which is based on the ideal notion of a father playing catch with his son in the front yard at the end of the day.

“Nine of our Spring Fantasy Camp clients claimed to be pitchers,” McDonough said. “Five said they were infielders, two wanted to be catchers and another two wished they were outfielders. At seven grand a piece, they could tell us anything they want. We have a lot of bills to pay this year, and the Cubs thank all of our Spring Fantasy Camp attendees for their support.”

The non-roster clients lived the dream for a week, pretending to vie for a spot on the Cubs’ 25-man opening day roster or anything remotely like it thereafter. Koyie Hill, an alleged catcher, said he will always remember carrying Buck Coats’ jockstrap. “I also lost five pounds thanks to daily jumping jack sessions led by Alan Trammell,” Hill said.

Fantasy Camp clients paid an additional premium per in-game plate appearance and fielding chance. Jake Fox, an attorney from Albuquerque, had to fork over $500 just for breaking a bat on a foul ball in the 9th inning of the Cubs’ eventual 13-2 loss to the White Sox Sunday.

heckler editorial staff