A wildfire of speculation spread yesterday after an Internet rumor infamous billionaire and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was preparing a bid to buy the Cubs. Cuban quickly denied the rumor, but Cubs brass has decided to play it safe just in case a new owner takes control.

“We’d be very fortunate if an owner like Mr. Cuban took over the Cubs,” said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “I know Mr. Cuban said he’s not interested in the team, but I’m going to call him Mr. Cuban just to be safe.”

Despite saying he wasn’t buying the team, Cuban’s actions are doing little to kill the rumors. He’s already redirected his salty attitude toward NBA officials to baseball, calling the average umpire a “third-rate chump who should be pumping gas at a BP Amoco.”

Meanwhile, Tribune Company officials have effectively dismissed the rumors of a new owner.

“The only Cuban around here will continue to be these fine cigars,” Dennis FitzSimons said as he lit one with a $100 bill. “This man knows nothing about maximizing profits at the expense of the gullible masses. Make no mistake, we at the Tribune Company will run things for a very long time to come.”

heckler editorial staff