Football fans everywhere will be watching the Super Bowl in Miami next weekend, but the mayor of Indianapolis hopes everyone will focus on his city after the big game. The mayor not only wants Indianapolis to be home of the number one team in the NFL, but also number one when it comes to rioting.

“We want to show the nation and the world that no one can beat our football team–or our riots,” said Mayor Bart Peterson. “If the Colts should win the Super Bowl, be prepared for riots that would make the ones in Detroit look like tea parties.”

In order to make good on the mayor’s claim, the city is offering each resident one lighter, an oily rag, a cinderblock, and a canvas bag for carrying looted merchandise. The mayor has also authorized the fire department to let buildings become fully involved until “media coverage of the riot is sufficient.”

The majority of Indianapolis residents support the mayor’s riot plans, with some feeling great civic pride to put the Indiana capital on the map.

“I want everyone to know that Hoosiers know how to destroy their cities like none other,” said resident Cletus Robertson, while drinking from a bottle of whiskey. “I plan on lighting every car on my block on fire, including my own pickup. I just insured it for arson, so I will be covered.”

Colts players are not only excited about playing in the Super Bowl, but encouraged by their hometown fans’ riot plans.

“I grew up in New Orleans, so I know all about causing mayhem,” said Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “My brother Eli and I have the best recipe for Molotov cocktails.”

heckler editorial staff