Cubs fans have been hearing for weeks that the team is nearing completion on a deal with left-handed power hitter Cliff Floyd. Those eager to call the outfielder one of their own are wondering what the hold up is.

“My client has had offers from many teams,” said agent Sam Levinson. “However no team can offer what Chicago has to offer, specifically world-class deep dish pizza.”

Floyd, a Chicago native, has requested a clause in his contract to grant him free pies at Gino’s East, his favorite pizzeria. This has proved easier said than done for Cubs GM Jim Hendry.

“It’s been tough negotiating with Gino’s East. They understandably have reservations about providing a 6-ft 4-in., 230-pound man with unlimited pizza,” explained Hendry. “The folks at Edwardo’s have offered to work with us, but Cliff is very specific about what kind of deep dish pizza he eats.”

heckler editorial staff