Corporate partners have brought you NFL action for decades, but never have the sponsorships been more blatant than this season.

“From this day forward, a three-point try will be known as a McField Goal attempt,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. “It won’t be worth three points anymore, either. A successful kick will earn the team 3.99 points, which happens to be the price of the delicious McRib Sandwich.”

After explaining that the McRib will only be available for a limited time, Goodell acknowledged the new M-shaped goalposts will be a challenge for kickers.

“But we think it will only add to the drama,” he said. “Does your team’s kicker have what it takes to ‘Knock it through the Arches?'”

McDonald’s is one of a handful of corporate partners that have been given unprecedented new sponsorship opportunities. The John Deere Company, for instance, provides the injury carts that transport players off the field. Fully functional lawn mowers, the carts make five speedy laps around the field before picking up the injured athletes.

“It shows the fans at home what our mowers can do,” said Deere spokesman Michael Franks. “Even with 300 pounds of man and/or fertilizer on the back, our riding mowers will give your lawn a professional, level cut every time.”


heckler editorial staff