On what turned out to be the most exciting night in Wrigleyville this season, the famed Harry Caray statue that normally stands at the corner of Sheffield and Addison freed itself from its perch this week and went on a legendary drinking binge that resulted in thousands of dollars in property damage.

The revelry allegedly began at Hi-Tops, where arresting officer Keith Walters encountered a statue already intoxicated and looking for trouble.

“The suspect had clearly been drinking, and when he was denied further alcohol, specifically Budweiser, he became violent,” Walters said.

According to Walters, the Caray statue punched out two bouncers and ran into the street, colliding with several cars before stumbling into Sluggers.

There, partiers describe an increasingly out-of-control Caray statue chugging Budweiser directly from the tap.

“He grabbed my girlfriend and started dancing with her,” said Sluggers customer Josh Lunsford. “When I told him to ‘stand down,’ he hit me with his microphone. Not cool.”

Officer Walters finally subdued Caray when he paused to relieve himself in the alley behind Cubby Bear.

By Dave Narter

heckler editorial staff