The Chicago Cubs had an action-packed weekend: Mark Prior was placed on the disabled list, Juan Pierre got caught stealing three times, the team started three rookie pitchers and the coaching staff blamed a humidor for the team’s inability to score.

Friday, rookie Rich Hill walked what can only be classified as “a ton of guys” and pitched like what can only be termed “crap.” Juan Pierre got caught stealing. After the game, Cubs coaches blamed the infamous Colorado baseball humidor for the loss.

“That thing is supposed to be for cigars, man,” said Cubs manager Dusty Baker. “Hmmm, I wonder if I can put toothpicks in there.”

Saturday was much the same: Rookie Angel Guzman walked a ton of guys and pitched worse than Rich Hill. Pierre got caught stealing again. After the game, Cubs coaches blamed the infamous Colorado baseball humidor for the loss.

Sunday looked to be a three-peat in futility when rookie Carlos Marmol walked a ton of guys and also gave up a grand slam. Once again, Pierre got caught stealing.

But there was no loss to blame on a humidor, luckily for Marmol, Pierre and the Cubs, all because red-hot rookie second baseman Ryan Theriot came through in the clutch. In the top of the eighth inning with the bases loaded, Theriot delivered a three-run, pinch-hit double down the third base line and the Cubs came from behind to win 8-7.

Theriot has 25 at-bats this season and is hitting .360. Lately, he’s been sporting Todd Walker’s old number, seven, after the team traded Walker to the Padres for some players everyone has already forgotten about. Theriot had Walker’s number, Walker’s game-changing base hit, and if Ronny Cedeno keeps playing like a second-grader, Theriot will have Walker’s old position as well.

Number of the Weekend: 29
Minutes the average Cubs fan spent trying to figure out why the Colorado Rockies have a purple dinosaur-bird thing for their mascot.

heckler editorial staff