If tying is like kissing your sister, than having Carlos Marmol pitch is like having your sister’s ugly friend ask you to play spin the bottle with her.

In the first game of Thursday’s doubleheader, Marmol walked Arizona’s leadoff man and later gave up a two-run home run. He threw 38 pitches in the first inning, giving up five runs. The Cubs never recovered.

Cubs reject—if by reject you mean one of many highly touted phenoms ruined by the coaching staff—Juan Cruz picked up the win for the Diamondbacks.

Hopefully for Marmol, his sister leaves near Iowa so he can kiss her as he pitches for split doubleheaders in Triple-A.

In the second game, another Cubs rookie pitcher, Juan Mateo, fared much better for the North Siders in his debut, adding his name to the long list of unproven Cubs who have more wins than Mark Prior this season. The story of the day, however, was Matt Murton, who collected four doubles (two with two outs) and five RBI in his four at-bats.

During the seventh inning, former Cub Mark Grace lead fans in the seventh inning stretch, and actually said “Root for the Cubbies” this time. After the game, however, he debunked rumors that uttering the phrase indicated a turn in his icy relationship with the Cubs.

“I just wanted to split the twin-bill,” Grace explained. “My sister is real hot.”

Number of the day: 7
Minutes Mark Grace managed to talk during his TV interview before he took a subtle shot at Sammy Sosa.

heckler editorial staff