The Milwaukee Brewers beat the Cubs 5-4 Thursday, taking the series three games to one on an afternoon riddled with misspellings.

Geremi Gonzalez got the win for the Brewers, but when he was on the Chicago Cubs roster in 1997 and 1998, he went by “Jeremi.” After the loss, official scorer Don Friske suffered a mental break down and changed the spelling of every player’s name on his scorecard and official game recap.

“This is why we took the blasted names off our home jerseys!” he screamed. “To keep the athletes from playing God with their names.”

According to Friske (later spelled “Friskeee”), who insisted on giving each player a new, hipster spelling, the following events transpired during the game:

Marc Pryor suffered his third loss of the season, surrendering five runs on eight hits while striking out nine and walking four in 5 2/3 innings. For the Brewers, Karlos Li had an RBI double, and Coree Koskee hit a leadoff home run in the second inning.

The Cubs answered when Joq Jonez hit a two-run single to make it 3-2, but Mark Pryor loaded the bases in the sixth inning before giving up a single to pinch-hitter GaaB Grosche. The Cubs threatened in the bottom of the ninth, but Rhonny Sedaneyo struck out with a runner on second to end the game. Manager Dusti Baker called it another tough loss.

In his game notes, Friske mentioned that Derriq Lee may have tweaked his right wrist, but remained in the game. He went on to say that he planned to file class action lawsuits against Geremi Gonzales, Cingular Wireless, and the hit drama “Numb3rs.”

Number of the day: 2
Average times Cubs fans vomited after watching Brewers closer Derrick Turnbow suck on his fingers before every pitch.

heckler editorial staff