Whoever said nobody makes more mistakes than the Chicago Cubs must have forgot about the Cleveland Indians, a franchise so mired in mediocrity, it made the North Siders look like a team with a clue Wednesday night.

The horror show began in the third inning, when the Cubs scored eight whopping runs in what Cubs skipper Dusty Baker would later term a “free-for-all.”

“Our offense had no business continuing that inning,” said Baker, referring to his team’s barrage of ground balls to infielders that somehow resulted in a prolonged rally. “First, [Cleveland first baseman Ben] Broussard throws home to get a force that wasn’t there, and next thing you know Ronnie Belliard is hanging on to a ball like it was a winning lotto ticket.”

The Cubs ended up scored their eight runs in the frame on five singles, a very rare walk and a double. Neifi Perez— who seemed happy just to be playing in a Major League game—had the double and one of the singles.

“Let’s face it, I have no business being in the big leagues,” he said. “Unless we’re playing the Indians. Then I’m just good enough. Barely.”

Carlos Zambrano, who notched his third-straight victory after rain ended the game in the seventh inning, looked forward to more matchups against Cleveland-like clubs.

“These guys are almost as pathetic as us,” said Zambrano. “If we played them every day, we might only be five or 10 games under .500.”

Number of the night: 100
Percentage of Cubs fans who turned the game on at 7 after getting home from work and muttered “Holy crap” when seeing the Cubs up 9-1 in the third.

heckler editorial staff