Sure, sure. Cubs fireballer Carlos Zambrano took yet another no-hitter into the late innings. And yes, Zambrano’s four RBIs powered the Cubs offense, which is suddenly alive and well, but that just set the backdrop for Monday night’s 8-0 win over the division rival Astros. The can’t-miss, never going to believe it news of the night: Cubs reliever Will Ohman retired the side—in the same order which they came to the plate—for a perfect ninth inning.

After the game, a flock of disbelieving reporters swarmed Ohman, desperately seeking a comment from the red-hot pitcher who has never before gotten three-straight batters out, much less in the same inning.

“I guess I was just in the zone,” said Ohman, who used just nine pitches to masterfully craft his frame of perfection. “I always wondered what that felt like. Now I know.”

Before being upstaged by Ohman’s career night, Zambrano was flawless. Working the plate like the pitcher who this winter set his sights on a Cy Young Award, he struck out eight and walked just two. His no-hit bid looked to be a reality until Preston Wilson dribbled a grounder to the opposite field with one out in the eighth—the same point of the game as the Bartman incident for those into stupid coincidences.

At the plate Zambrano did what no Astro could do against him: make solid contact. His second-inning three-run homer provided an early dagger for the night. Still, the Cubs—who suddenly have five .300 hitters in their lineup—piled on the runs, eventually racking up eight, which even prompted TV guys Len Kasper and Bob Brenly to suggest the Cubs save some hits for tomorrow night; age-old joke that it is.

Vaguely researched number of the night: 35
Pounds in neck fat alone Astros outfielder Lance Berkman looks to have gained since last season.

heckler editorial staff