Anyone who has watched a baseball game the past couple years can see how advanced analytics have changed the game. From drastic defensive shifts to statistics based on formulas that would have left Einstein flummoxed, teams today are looking for any edge to earn them that one extra win that could secure a playoff berth.

So it should come as no surprise that the Wrigley Field hot dog vendors will be using similar forecasting methods to sell hot dogs more efficiently to the biggest fans who consume the most franks.

“It’s the logical next step to make the ballpark experience more convenient for the fans who eat the most hot dogs at the fastest rate,” said Brad Johnson, the club’s Manager of Concessions and Retail. “To this point vendors have circulated evenly through the stands, yelling ‘hot dog’ repeatedly yet often fruitlessly. Now, through predictive data derived through advanced scouting of fans, our vendors will be shifted to those sections containing the most gluttonous gastric guys and gals.”

“The new deployment strategy might resemble an infield over-shifted for [Cubs slugger] Anthony Rizzo. We have also installed advanced sensors on all seats in the ballpark to measure each fan’s vitals. From weight to cholesterol to blood alcohol level, these sensors will arm our vendors with the real time data needed to make the in-game adjustments to get those red hots into the hot hands of the hungriest hot dog hogs.”

Patrick O. Elia