Following a disastrous 2014 season, Chicago Bears Chairman George McCaskey has vowed to do everything possible to fix what ails the organization.
“I went to Costco and bought all kinds of supplies,” said McCaskey. “Swiffers, Clorox Wipes, Windex…you name it, I bought it in bulk. The fans have demanded we clean house, and that’s exactly what we plan to do.”
According to team officials, head coach Marc Trestman and defensive coordinator Mel Tucker, who will both keep their jobs, are slated to do the majority of the cleaning, while GM Phil Emery oversees the process. Offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer will be on toilet duty.
“I don’t know much about running a successful sports franchise, but if the fans want a spotless team headquarters, that’s what they’ll get,” said McCaskey. “I hear the Packers and Patriots have a zero tolerance policy regarding dust mites, and look at how their seasons turned out!”