Editor’s Note: This is a special report from The Heckler North Korea’s state-run Free Press
Oh Glorious Brothers. Our majestic nation has won yet another prestigious Worldwide Sporting competition and in the process brought further shame upon the evil democratic regime of the United States of America. Truly there is no doubt as to which benevolent and all-powerful leader runs the greatest nation state in the Universe. North Koreans everywhere, from Voluntary Work Camps in Pyongyang to Deprogramming Centers in Manpo, please put down your plow for a moment (BUT ONLY A BRIEF MOMENT!!!) to celebrate with Supreme Commander Kim Jong-un.
Fresh-off of winning our 20th consecutive World Cup in Brazil just a few months ago, and sweeping every category at the Oscars with the breathtakingly epic movie “12 Years a Slave … If You’re Lucky” we are again the mightiest nation in Little League Baseball.
Indeed the road to the title was treacherous. Our child soldiers/players had to vanquish many noble enemies along the way, including the Firehouse station sluggers from Vermont, Nathan’s Ice Cream Dream Team from South Dakota, and of course the Chicago White Sox. Credit must be given to our vaunted coaching staff.
Our head coach was none other than Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un who once hit seven home runs in one inning against the Chicago Cubs and then convinced their GM Theo Epstein to jettison Matt Garza, Jeff Samardzija and Jason Hammel for prospects, lowly prospects.
At first base, our coach was the undying spirit of Supreme Father Kim Jong-il. Our pitching coach was a spirit giving Flower Warrior who unleashed oppression against the tyrants that run the Williamsport, Penn., soda fountain and pizza stand, and our third base coach was brother Dennis Rodman.
Although North Korea has won every Little League World Series since it was started in 1947, we must remember to remain vigilant so as to make sure that our streak of never allowing a base runner or pitching anything other than a strike remains perfectly intact.