Bartolo Colon can finally call himself a champion. Over the weekend, the New York Mets pitcher found time between consuming a Steak and Egg Breakfast Value Meal and notching his 200th career win to compete in the first ever Cross-Fat Games.
The Cross-Fat Games were recently designed to give Middle America something to relate to when they turn on ESPN. Sure, there’s competitive eating, but numerous competitors in that arena are skinny and surprisingly athletic.
That’s why it was important to give people in the Midwest, affectionately known as “the Baskin Robbins belt,” a competition they can relate to on a personal level. The prestigious event was held in Las Vegas in the VIP section of the Klondike casino buffet benches.
The Cross-Fat Games combine High-Intensity Interval Eating with Olympic beer drinking and plyometric sundae snacking. The inaugural games were won by the rubinesque Colon who narrowly beat out former Lions QB Scott Mitchell, who is apparently now huge. Colon was consistent in every event, ranging from the Prince Fielder’s Choice where he had to make a 9,000 calorie sandwich using only vegetarian items, to the John Daly Double, which consisted of taking a drag from your pack of smokes, chugging a beer, slamming some McDonald’s king-size fries and then blowing out a smoke ring.
For winning the event, Colon will receive his own Hostess delivery truck, personalized defibrillator paddles and presumably another free agent deal since so many teams are really desperate for pitching.