The Chicago White Sox have applied to the “Federal Emergency Relief Program” for bullpen help.

“As soon as I heard about this program, I knew it was for us,” said Sox pitching coach Don Cooper. “No one needs relief help more than us. Just look at our bullpen ERA, it’s the worst in baseball. That’s even after we released Donnie Veal (7.50 ERA) and put Nate Jones (Infinite ERA) on the DL.”

At Cooper’s request, he will present the White Sox case before a closed session of Congress next week.

“My evidence includes tape of last week’s 15-walk game against Boston. I don’t want my kids accidentally seeing that on C-Span or something,” Cooper said. “We tried to avoid a court case. I asked President Obama to helicopter over the epicenter of the disaster (a.k.a. Mound Zero) but he said he was ‘busy.’ I’m sure if we could get him to a bullpen session, it would clinch our case.”

Sources have revealed that Cooper will be accompanied to The Capitol by Ronald “Exhibit A” Belisario and Scott “Exhibit B” Downs.

After placing starting pitchers Felipe Paulino and Chris Sale on the DL this week, the team is also looking into the government’s “Social Security Disability Benefits” program.