Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Detroit Lions Calvin Johnson spent the entire bye week in bed resting. Even elite athletes like Megatron and myself can use rest after we run around like he did vs. Dallas. Ndamukong Suh ate a live gazelle at the league office in front of Roger Goodell.

9 – Carolina Panthers Welcome back to the Top 10 Cam-nation! Panthers pounce on wounded Falcons 34-10 behind Nuclear Newton’s 2 TDs (1 pass/1 rush).

8 – San Francisco 49ers Aldon Smith didn’t shoot nobody or smoke nothing on his team’s bye week. He might have leered at a waitress though.
7 – New England Patriots Steelers steamrolled on Sunday, Pats pummel Pittsburgh pugilists 55-31! Brady’s back (432 yards/4 TDs)!

6 – New Orleans Saints Ryan Rumble XVX: The Reckoning goes to Rex (26-20 J-E-T-S!) despite 382 yards/2 TDs from Drew Brees. Maybe they’ll meet again in the Super Bowl? Stay tuned …
5 – Indy Colts The tag-team duo of Andrew Luck & T.Y. Hilton overcome this week’s Master of Disaster Andre Johnson (229 rec. yards/3 TDs) with 3 straight TDs in a come-from-behind 27-24 win in Houston.
4 – Kansas City Chiefs Another week, another win for the 9-0 Arrowhead Assassins. K.C. once again proves their only offense is a great defense with two return TDs in 23-13 decision over Bills.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks S-Hawks play like they might have had the MRSA virus in the first half, fall behind Bucs 24-7 before rallying for 27-24 OT win behind Russell Wilson’s 3 TDs (2 pass, 1 run).
2 – Denver Broncos Peyton took a bye-week trip to Germany with Kobe Bryant to get some more treatment/re-wiring of circuits.

1 – Oakland Raiders &%#@*%!!!

Program note – The November 7th edition of the un-televised NFL pre-game show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Cialis and Pete’s Custom Bathtubs) takes a look at, in the light of incidents in Miami, the true victims of bullying in the NFL: the football. Kicked, soaked in water, spit on and fondled by strange men for hours on end, all for the glory of the game. But what happens when the cheering stops? We’ll take a look.

Patrick O. Elia