NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell declared victory over concussions today after blocking ESPN from co-producing a documentary about head trauma with PBS.
“By preventing our billion-dollar broadcast partner from producing a tell-all about brain injuries in the NFL, we today can confidently say our league has finally beaten concussions once and for all,” said Goodell. “After all, now no ESPN viewer will witness first-hand our league covering up damning evidence that merely playing our sport presents significant short- and long-term risks to your mental and physical well-being.”
Added Goodell: “We have a saying around here that what you don’t know won’t hurt you and in our case if that means people will continue to line up to watch and play our game for generations to come despite it being about as dangerous as smoking two packs a day for 20 years, then I say ‘light ’em up.'”
Goodell said he wasn’t concerned that the documentary would still air on PBS.
“PBS? Please!” said Goodell. “No one watches that crap. They don’t have obnoxious beer commercials; there no retired NFL player screaming blabber-mouthed fake insight at you; and there isn’t one close-up of a nearly naked cheerleader shaking her pom-pons in your face. No, I’m not worried about PBS.”