Record – 4-3 (1-0 vs. White Sox, 1-1 vs. Angels & 2-2 vs. St. Louis)

The week opened with the Cubs kicking the proverbial dirt in the South Siders’ faces with an 8-2 win to complete the sweep of the BP Cup series. Alfonso Soriano continued his hot hitting with a home run while Justin Bieber was not seen anywhere near the Cub clubhouse cheesing it up with the Cup. Chicago rejoiced.

Next up was a quick two game set against the Angels with the lone Cub All-Star Travis Wood picking up the win in the first game (backed by two more homers from Mr. Soriano) while old pal Albert Pujols reminded Cub fans he can still hit the ball very far in an Angel rout in game two. Since Wood will attend the All-Star game without a teammate, manager Dale Sveum gave him a nice new teddy bear to pal ‘round the Big Apple with.

The weekend featured a long four game series with our old pals from St. Louis. Cardinal fans were their usual polite selves and, as a whole, have lowered their OPS (Obesity Plus Sloppiness) to .452, which is still above the Major League fan average of .388 but they’re getting there. St. Louis native Joe Buck suspects his homies got hold of some bootleg ‘80’s Jane Fonda workout tapes or just forgot how to eat. Also, every Cards fan has finally replaced their Mark McGwire & Albert Pujols jerseys/t-shirts with a Yadier Molina model (who collected four of the Redbirds 21 hits Sunday night).

MVP – Matt Garza: The probable future ex-Cub had the best week possible for a Cub pitcher in what might have been his final two starts for the club, beating both the Sox and the Cardinals. ESPN’s Bill Simmons plugged Garza’s name into his NBA trade generator and projects the right-hander to end up in Detroit for the expiring contract of Charlie Villanueva and a 2nd round pick in 2015.

LVP – Nate Schierholtz: Now called Nate Slumpholtz, the outfielder went 1 for 8 and started to get a rash on his buttocks from riding the pine for a couple games.

Ask the Magic 8-Ball: Will the Cubs finish 2013 with a better record than the White Sox?
Magic 8-Ball says: “As I see it, yes”

Patrick O. Elia