Hoping to turn back the clock after retiring from the NBA, Shaquille O’Neal recently announced that he and Reebok would re-release his Shaq Attaq and Shaqnosis sneakers from the 1990s. But the Big Retiree couldn’t go through this process without getting another great idea in his massive noggin. O’Neal has also decided to re-release his spectacular array of ’90s entertainment mediums: the movie Kazaam, the video game Shaq Fu, and his debut rap album Shaq Diesel.

“People are all about retro ’90s stuff nowadays,” Shaq said in his booming monotone voice. “Back then I was all over the place and people loved everything I did. It’s time for a new generation to be introduced to the genius of The Big Diesel. I don’t want kids to think I was just some basketball player. I was on the big screen, in your Sega Genesis, and all up in the headphones on your portable CD player too.”

1996’s Kazaam will have another run in movie theaters as Kazaam: Special Edition. It will also appear on  IMAX screens, which will accurately capture the size of the wise-cracking genie played by Shaq. There will also be modern CGI effects added to Kazaam’s incredible magical powers, as well as a few deleted scenes. The producers of the film are hoping the re-release will bring them back from financial ruin after the film lost over a million dollars in its initial run.

The 1994 video game Shaq Fu will be given new life as a downloadable title on Playstation 3, XBOX 360, PC, Mac, iOS, and any other handheld device imaginable. It is being redone in HD graphics, complete with motion capturing of O’Neal’s sick kung fu moves. Owners of the XBOX 360 will be pleased to know the game is compatible with Kinect so they can pretend they really are a seven-foot tall, 400-pound ninja.

Most importantly, Shaq’s 1993 platinum debut album Shaq Diesel has been digitally remastered in stunning Dolby 5.1 surround sound so fans can perfectly hear every mad rhyme The Diesel throws at them. The album also features Dr. Dre remixes of “(I Know I Got) Skillz” and “Shoot Pass Slam,” as well as previously unreleased tracks “Ballin’ With Little Penny” and “Can U Dig It???”

Fans interested in getting all of Shaq’s retro memorabilia together can purchase the movie, game, and CD in a special collector’s edition set that comes in a life-sized Shaqnosis sneaker for $199.95 this March.

Trailer Park Charlie