Spring Training 2013 got underway Monday morning when pitchers and catchers reported to camp. While some of the players were excited about the prospect of a new campaign, more than a few groused about having to cut their off-season activities short.

“Man, what I wouldn’t give to be a shortstop,” said Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum. “I could still be laying in the cut smoking a big fat blunt right now. But instead, here I am working on my fastball.”

Position players are not required to report to camp until later this week, giving them ample time to party just a few more days.

“What????” said Todd Helton, slurring his words while downing a Solo cup full of wine. “Heyyyy! I won eight bucks with this scratch off lotto ticket! Check it out Miguel!”

Miguel Cabrera, who was drinking a bottle of Crown Royal next to Helton, seemed unimpressed.

“Do you know who I am?” he howled. “I need another Triple Crown and cola!”