When former White Sox GM and current team exec Kenny Williams couldn’t find a player to fill a roster spot, he typically looked for any player that had a PED-tarnished record, was ten years removed from his prime or had a Super Nintendo video game named after him. This off-season, Williams handed the reigns over to Rick Hahn, ultimately when his has-been reserve dried up. Now, the team that relied so heavily on players who fall asleep in the clubhouse or have giant hats to cover their dreadlocks, is struggling to fill their roster.

Last week, during the Winter Meetings, while other teams where trading prospects and improving their rosters, Hahn was seen asking people where he could find the team that had Jermaine Dye, Roberto Alomar and Rafael Palmeiro. He spent the remainder of the meetings talking with Billy Bean about this brand-new Moneyball approach to baseball and seeing if he could find a few 70-home-run sluggers.

“We were excited to get Jeff to play third base this season,” said an excited Hahn. “Wait a minute … his last name’s Keppinger? I thought it was Bagwell.”

Brew Dreesus