What do Michael Myers and Chris Volstad have in common? They’ve both haunted people in towns in Illinois, and now that a documentary about the 2012 Chicago Cubs will be released nationwide, they’ll both be the stars of a horror movie. Although Volstad’s movie, “Bleeding Cubbie Blue: The story of the 2012 Chicago Cubs,” won’t be in theaters until October, Volstad is already getting rave reviews for his appalling performance.

“I originally wanted to document the rebuilding process of the Epstein regime,” said Paul Rohrer, who now predicts this could go down as one of the most terrifying movies of all time. “But once I saw the carnage that was happening on the field, I knew that this was going to be something the world has never seen before.”

“Pitches were being hacked away at. Routine ground balls were being mangled. Men were being left on base to die. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open,” said Rohrer, whose hair has since gone white after hours upon hours of looking at the footage during editing.

Because the final cut was too disturbing to watch, the Motion Picture Association of America has given the film an R rating, and it’s now being classified as a horror movie. It’s even going down as the first movie to not be allowed to screen in 3-D. “The footage,” a spokesperson of the Association explained, “is just too gruesome. We don’t want to be responsible for heart attacks and seizures.”

Still, advanced screenings have produced quite an effect. Countless members of test audiences spent the movie puking into their buckets of popcorn, and the film even sent crowds of them screaming hysterically while running for the exits.

The Cubs are hoping this movie will result in dollar signs. Because it’s scheduled to be released directly before Halloween, the Cubs are hoping it will help sell thousands of jerseys as Halloween costumes, the most coming from star attraction, Chris Volstad.

“I know that the way I’ve pitched won’t get me in the Hall of Fame,” said Volstad. “But maybe I can get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That would be something!”

Photoshop by Joel Nielsen

Michael Kloempken