At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was asked about the recent suspensions of Bartolo Colon and Melky Cabrera, and he offered some interesting insight.

“There are many people out there using drugs to increase performance,” he said. “I wholeheartedly endorse usage by the Chicago Cubs. They are that bad. Their performance has been so awful this year, we are not testing anyone in that clubhouse until 2015. If any of those bums hit over 30 HR’s, it’s luck, trust me.”

Cubs management took swift action, talking to the most likely user of steroids, Bob Brenly. He recommended signing new personal “trainers” Sammy Sosa and Lance Armstrong.

“I know the only thing that has gotten me through this Cubs season has been a steady intake of no-doze meds and steroids to pump me up to one day snap Castro over my knee,” said Brenly. “Sosa and Armstrong can bring their ‘Flintstone Vitamins’ that will propel this team to relevance.”

Brew Dreesus