Chicago Bears defensive end Julius Peppers and his Pro Bowl teammate, cornerback Charles Tillman, were fined $100,000 by the NFL immediately after the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Commissioner Roger Goodell released a brief statement Sunday night explaining the fine.

“Today, the NFL was embarrassed by two supposedly top-notch defensive players when both decided to play actual defense in this game. The NFL apologizes to its fans, who we know really wanted to see an NBA All-Star game instead.”

Both men were flabbergasted by the fine, but did admit their infraction early Monday morning. A frustrated Tillman explained.

“It’s true. I played defense during the Pro Bowl. I really thought fans might start to wonder if I was a member of the grounds crew, so I decided to put my hands in the air, and run along with the receiver I was covering,” he said. “I guess I messed up when we brushed against each other at the line of scrimmage. I didn’t realize all the fans really wanted to see was Brandon Marshall score more touchdowns in a meaningless game than he did all season.”

Peppers echoed the sentiment.

“I also played defense. I should have known what was expected when I saw Phillip Rivers texting his girlfriend just before he called for the snap,” said Peppers. “I made contact with the tackle across from me, broke into the backfield, and scared the death out of Rivers. I think I broke his iPhone when I stepped on it … I’m really sorry for that … and that I made him crap his pants.”

Goodell and the league have already begun contemplating ways to prevent the atrocity from happening again—including employment of flag football rules, making defenders tie their hands behind their backs, or voting tackling dummies onto the defensive Pro Bowl team next year.

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