Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Dee-troit Lions I do appreciate, if you’re gonna lose, going down with a little fisticuffs on the field. Matt Stafford can’t continue to throw more pitches than Justin Verlander if these boys want to stay in my Top 10.
9 – Denver Tebows My man of faith and conviction beats KC on only two completions (1TD) and a TD run while also converting 3,450 heathen Chiefs fans to Christianity. Here we go!
8 – New Orleans Saints Drew Brees and Co. take advantage of the biggest brain fart in Atlanta since the NHL located the Thrashers there, and nip Dirty Birds in OT 26-23.
7 – Cam-olina Panthers Newton’s Law (part 1, section 3b) – The football, when thrown forward by Cam Newton, rotates in a counter-clockwise spiral 18x the rate of the Earth’s rotation around the sun. This delights Steve Smith, who planned on retiring before this season.
6 – Pittsburgh Steelers It’s good to see Beavis and Butt-head back on TV. I suspect their comedy might be too high-brow for Big Ben to comprehend, however. James Harrison will be playing the token black guy/ex-jock in Predator 4: Payback Time.
5 – New England Patriots Tom Brady torches Jets (3 TD passes) yet still trails me in GQ covers by 14. It hurts to be as pretty as me sometimes.
4 – Chicago Bears Looked a little Butkus-esque Sunday. Devin Hester returns a punt for TD to pull within 78 of my all-time punt return record. Keep chugging little fella.
3 – San Francisco 49ers Looks like SF is staying on target for a Bay Area Super Bowl bash vs. my boys, although watching Alex Smith play well irritates my common sense and bowels.
2 – Green Bay Packers Aaron Rodgers carves up Vikings (4 TD passes in 45-7 knockout), ’72 Dolphins start wearing their adult diapers in preparation of Pack possibly going undefeated.
1 – Oakland Raiders Michael Bush earns Master of Disaster award this week for his 242 total yards/1 TD vs. those little surfer boys down in San Diego. Just win baby!!!!

Program note – The November 20 untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will investigate why my boy Ray Guy is not in the Hall of Fame, show how Shannon Sharpe and Dan Marino prepare for getting in front of the camera (it involves putting marbles in their mouths and a lot of tickle fights) and feature an update on the Colts’ plan to clone Peyton Manning.

Patrick O. Elia