Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing in only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Chicago Bears One more offensive line performance like that and I’m dropping the Monsters of the Midway to #32. Get it together boys!
9 – Houston Texans Houston has fought some featherweights so far (Miami, Indy) so they’re my Floyd Mayweather, Jr. team at 2-0.
8 – New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees is displaying all the skills I taught him at the Carl Weathers Quarterbacking Institute of Awesome Quarterbacking.
7 – San Diego Chargers IF Phillip Rivers throws another interception to a mountain of nosetackle (Vince Wilfork) I’m dropping them to the Mountain West.
6 – Carolina Panthers Cam Newton has the eye of the tiger, a plutonium arm and Carl Weathers-like good looks (and about a billion passing yards!). Here we go!
5 – New York Jets Rex Ryan can be my cut man any day, but Mark Sanchez still kind of looks like a ring card girl.
4 – Green Bay Packers Still don’t like the stink-ass cheese smelling Wisconsin folks but, with the way the Steelers are playing, there ain’t gonna be no Super Bowl rematch.
3 – Detroit Lions Ndamukong Suh is my King of Sting player of the week. Five Chiefs offensive players went missing during the 3rd quarter of the Lions 48-3 win and have not been heard from since (I watched the game tape, my brother from Nebraska hid all five of them under the Ford Field turf like Jimmy Hoffa).
2 – New England Patriots The Chargers lost this fight for all the wrong reasons, but give Brady and his bunch credit for those Tony Romo’s forced by the “D.”
1 – Oakland Raiders My boys stay on top with a 35-31 win over the Bills. The last two minutes of the game were re-edited by CBS to make it appear to viewers that Buffalo won (like Rocky II was re-edited to make it look like I lost to Balboa).

Program note: The untelevised NFL pre-game show starring myself and Marv Levy will move from ESPN9 to a public access channel in Aurora, IL. We auditioned Shannon Sharpe to join the cast but he refused to wear the Hannibal Lecter mask on-air like I asked. Bye bye, mumble mouth.

Patrick O. Elia