Cubs’ TV analyst Bob Brenly is quite the renaissance man — World Series champion, coyly smug team critic, mustache aficionado — but his new accolade may be the most impressive of them all. Mensa has awarded Brenly the coveted “smartest man alive” title after Brenly thumbed his nose at former Cubs’ GM Jim Hendry last offseason and refused consideration for the Cubs’ skipper position.
“I thought I was a shoe-in for the ‘common sense’ award, but I will gladly accept ‘smartest man alive’,” Brenly said. “My doctor told me if I had become the Cubs manager I would either have an ulcer the size of a nectarine or would be completely bald right now. On second thought, both of those sound more appealing than being manager of the Cubs.”
Brenly finished ahead of a prestigious group of nominees, including physicist Stephen Hawking, world chess champion Garry Kasparov, and some guy who bought a lot of Apple stock 30 years ago. As his first decree as the world’s smartest man, Brenly suggested that anyone who willingly and/or soberly watches Cubs baseball to be a “hindrance to society’s future.”
Mensa is currently considering nominees for “dumbest man alive” and is leaning toward Cubs owner Tom Ricketts or Hendry. When reached for comment, a Mensa spokesman said, “While Ricketts and Hendry are fine options, it will also be cheaper to consolidate the smartest man and dumbest man ceremonies at one common location. You don’t have to be a genius to figure that out.”