10. Players feel all contracts should be guaranteed 100 percent, owners pretending they don’t know what a contract is.

9. When owners mention a salary cap, players feign ignorance and pretend owners are talking about a celery cap.

8. Players: Tall, greedy and selfish. Owners: Short, fat, greedy and selfish.

7. Players demand scorer’s table be equipped with a fully stocked wet bar.

6. Any future collective bargaining agreement will include league coverage of player tattoos and tattoo removal procedures.

5. Now that he’s retired, who gets Yao Ming’s old record collection?

4. Owners: Losing $300 million/year due to revenue decline, player salaries. Players: Losing $300 million/year due to not being good at gambling. Who’s going to pay those tabs? David Stern? China?

3. Whether to recognize a post-Gaddafi Libyan government

2. The best strategy to promote the WNBA. (Kidding! They both want the WNBA gone and forgotten).

1. Players tired of trying to pay attention for 48-minute games, want them shortened to 12.

Patrick O. Elia