With economic times tough as ever, and major drainage and sewage improvements required at Wrigley Field, the Cubs had no choice but to turn away North Side plumbers with sky-high rates and consider cheaper South Side plumbers to make repairs in the off-season.

“I would have cherished hiring a Cubs fan, but our organization couldn’t afford it and that’s why I ultimately attempted to hire 25-year veteran plumber and South Sider Laynard Dary to take care of our major improvements,” said Cubs owner Tom Ricketts. “He was extremely qualified for the job … but a Sox fan … so I decided to take a chance.”

Dary wasn’t interested, however.

“I hung up on the jerk and told him to screw off because I thought it was a joke,” said the plumber. “Like I’d ever work at that urine-soaked hellhole.”

The job required removal of peanut shells, beer bottle tops, underwear and hot dog wrappers from Wrigley Field drainage pipes, with the opportunity of contract extensions dependent on post-season performance.

“Fellow Sox fans would’ve killed me. I mean, literally shot me if they found out. Plus, it’s completely against my morals and principles as a South Sider,” said Dary. “As much as I’d love to move out of my van into a real house, I have my pride as a Sox fan.”

Ozzie Guillen offered words of encouragement to Dary.

“That contract was a [expletive deleted] sham. When was the last [expletive deleted] time they in post-season?” asked the Sox skipper. “He would’ve been gone in no [expletive deleted] time. There so much [expletive deleted] on South Side he work forever.”

By Morgann Spicer

Morgann Spicer