Word from Halas Hall Wednesday is that the cause of the Bears offensive line’s frequent struggles this season has been linked to an addiction battle several blockers are losing with Roberto Garza’s endorsed “Super Donuts.”
“Oh my god. They’re just so good,” said tackle Frank Omiyale, while wolfing down his second box of the tasty treat. “And, look, right here on the box it says ‘No. 1 in Nutrition’ so clearly they’re good for me and not the reason we’ve given up a league-leading 56 sacks this year.”
Omiyale was not the only offensive lineman duped into thinking Garza’s Super Donuts are good for you.
“The box says these donuts have five whole grams of protein!” said guard Chris Williams, who has at times struggled mightily this season. “Sure, that might be the same amount of protein you can get from just a handful of almonds, but do a box of almonds come endorsed by ‘Most Valuable Person’ Roberto Garza? I’d have to check, but I don’t think so.”
Garza said he’s tried to caution his fellow linemen about the dangers of overeating his donuts, but so far as been unsuccessful.
“The other day Olin [Kreutz] was shoveling at least a dozen of my donuts in his mouth and I suggested he maybe ease off a bit,” said Garza. “But he just snapped and accused me of trying to keep the deliciousness all for myself.”
While Garza said he doesn’t encourage anyone to binge on his donuts like like teammates have been, he would like to remind Bears fans that boxes of six Super Donuts each are available in the frozen foods section at your local Jewel for just two-for-$5 (limited time only).