Nearly 30 years since Philadelphia foolishly dealt Ryne Sandberg to the Cubs for Ivan De Jesus, the Phillies reacquired the Hall of Famer to manage their Triple-A affiliate Lehigh Valley IronPigs, completing the franchise’s evil plot to steal back a player who’s become the face of the Cubs.

“In an organization with many, many black eyes, the Ryno trade stands out as one of the worst moves in our team’s history,”  said Phillies GM Rubén Amaro, Jr., who hired Sandberg Monday. “We had to do whatever we could to steal him back from the Cubs and now that we’ve begun the healing process on this one, we’re going to try to correct the several hundred other wrongs associated with this franchise.”

Amaro said the Phillies are now going to attempt to make amends for two terrible fan incidents from this year. First, they will issue a formal apology to an 11-year-old girl who was vomited on by a drunk fan this April. Then they revisit the now infamous Taser situation from just a month later. But this will have a bit of a different twist on it.

“We feel that idiot kid wasn’t punished enough,” said Amaro. “We’re going to bring him to a Winter Caravan event and really zap the hell out of him. It’s only right, plus our bloodthirsty fanbase will love it.”